Yeah yeah, I get it. Everybody loves taking selfies. But did you ever stop to think about what your duck-lipped selfie faces look like to the casual observer?
Believe it or not, when you’re out in public getting your self-portrait on, other people think you look downright silly. They’re also well within their rights to snap a picture of you snapping your selfie so that they can make fun of you on the internet.
There’s no doubt that the selfie has become a cultural phenomenon, flooding the Internet and social networking sites on an hourly basis.
From the spectator who posed cheerily at the scene of murder, to the teen who took a solo shot in front of the dead relative’s casket, it is clear that there is confusion when it is appropriate to capture your selfie (even if the lighting is perfect!)
Everyone from David Cameron to Ellen DeGeneres takes selfies. But most of the time, we do it so we can post them onto social media and show everyone what we look like at our best, and how we spend our time. There are even trends that we jump on board with for no real reason, like after sex selfies (literally, selfies taken immediately after sex), couplies (selfies of couples, generally quite smug-looking) and uglies (selfies where you make a really ugly face.)
Get your camera out, or actually put it away for these types of annoying selfies we will all see at one point in our social media lifetimes.
This basically means people posting a picture of their post-sex faces on social media, for no other reason than to share their special moment with the World Wide Web. Naturally, hundreds of people are now jumping on board. Lovers curled up in bed are no longer engaging in some intimate post-sex chat, they’re reaching for their smartphones, opening snapchat and snapping a sexy post sex (or god forbid) naked selfies.
The happy couples lying in their own love juices just want the rest of their Instagram followers and snapchat friends to know they’ve just been making love, while you’ve been scrolling through your boring Instagram feed or binge watching House of Cards.
The after sex selfie doesn’t stop at couples. Those engaging in a one-night stands are also showing off that they are out there living their youth to the max, and sleeping with people who are just as social media savvy as them. Do it for the snapchat, or do it for the STD? You tell me.
Not all selfies have to be of just your face. One of the most common types of selfie is this ridiculous variety of point-of-view shot. Here’s the thing: while we’re grinding away at our jobs, freezing our asses off as fall turns to winter, we don’t want to see your beach vacation photos. I definitely don’t want to see pics featuring your nasty ass feet, I mean seriously get a pedicure first. If you are travelling to some exotic Island or you are in the presence of natural beauty, that’s one thing. But, if you’re chugging a twelve pack of Coors Light at Myrtle Beach, you don’t have to tell the world about it. Maybe, just maybe, I can accept this type of selfie if you are trailblazing through the back country of Yosemite or staying in a hostel in Prague. If you are accompanying your little cousin to Ocean City for no reason at all, keep your phone in the hotel.
I don’t think I will ever understand the gym selfie. If you go to the gym regularly, people who know you will notice the results. Whether you are out at the club, working in the office, or attending a stamp collecting convention, your body will be on display. Just because you post a selfie of you dripping in neon nike apparel does not mean your body is changing what so ever. I mean, just because I posted a pic in the weights room looking all fit and glistening doesn’t mean I actually worked out, it means I only went to lurk my ex. The only difference between a gym selfie and a regular selfie is that you have a much higher chance of catching someone more attractive than you in the background at the gym.
Ever get a bit self-conscious in the mirror, as you’re about to snap a selfie of you flexing? If you look at other people’s selfies at gym, it’s guaranteed that they’re striking the same pose, except they all look confident. If you still don’t think gym selfies are stupid, I’ll leave you with this piece of advice to capture your best gym selfie. Forget about your surroundings and just focus on getting your best picture. Don’t take a selfie in the locker room because the last thing you want is a man with nothing but a towel on in the background of your selfie. A little confidence goes a long way and it will translate in your selfie. With that said, don’t look cocky, there’s a big difference.
First of all collages are not a thing anymore. If you post a collage, I promise I will unfollow you. If your selfie can be described as a “craft” or a “project” and not merely a photo, we have a problem. If you think your mother puts too much effort into scrapbooking, but here you are arranging photos in little squares, you need to check yourself. If you find yourself making a photo collage of yourself, you need to put your phone in a drawer, take a long walk, and take stock of your priorities.
Yes, it is wonderful to watch the leaves turn and down every pumpkin beer we can get our hands on, but when will the “look the leaves are falling” pictures end? If I have to peep one more pic of some fraternity slut apple picking while wearing a scarf they knitted and slurping a pumpkin spice latte, I might just delete my Instagram for a few months. We get it, your wearing want gold accessories , have new brown boots, and looks like you camouflage in with leaves. Give it a rest.
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